Spring Break was needed. It allowed me to relax and grieve. Jamie and I were able to spend a lot of time together. Most importantly I was able to spend a lot of time with God.
The couple of weeks before Spring Break I felt like I had to appear held together but on the inside I was broken. My first day back to work after losing the twins was difficult. I figured I would get back into the routine. But I would find myself sitting at my desk trying to work with tears going down my face. And the more I continued to press into my routine the more easily I would lose it.
I felt hurt and abandoned by God. I couldn't understand why. Why again? And once the enemy finds just a small hole...Confusion just plagued every thought. Every prayer would end up with me sobbing. I was never angry. Just confused. Hurt.
Casting Crowns has a great song called "Praise You in this Storm". So that's what I did. I made myself praise God. And I found that the more I praised God the less I felt tormented. I resolved to spend as much of the day praising God.
So that's what I did over Spring Break. The weight of sorrow that I felt after losing the twins isn't suffocating me anymore. Of course I am still saddened by the loss. But I feel joy in my heart. And after praying one day I felt like God was telling me that big things like twins will come - just not now.
And I'm ok with that.
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